The Method: How to Rate Beer & the Beer Buzz

Chainsaw and Beer

Chainsaw the Night!

Not just how to rate beer, but how to judge the beer buzz. Rating beer is an acquired skill, but rating the buzz is a skillful pleasure. It takes more than high alcohol content of beer for a good buzz, it takes a good beer. Having said that, let's explore all aspects of the process.

Let's just briefly cover the basics before we rate beer. I highly recommend pouring your beer into a clean, properly shaped glass for its specific beer style. You don't have to, it is your world, but it primes the beer for action. Likewise, try to serve it at the proper temperature but don't take too long on this: warmer in the 50's for ales and stronger brews, slightly cooler for lagers and milder brews, somewhere in the mid 40's (in degrees Fahrenheit). Cigarettes and drugs alter these steps and are not applicable. That's it, let's move on.

Rating the Buzz through a 6 Step / 100 blade chainsaw system on how to rate beer -

#1 - The Classic (10 blades) - We can't have a good buzz unless we start with a good beer, therefore the classic approach is a highly important part of the process, but don't get lost in this and end up one of those "kewl guys." To rate beer, the basics are simple:

Appearance (2 blades): notice the beer's color, its carbonation, its head as well as its transparency. I like a beer that's attractive and sexy, but one that can eat a triple bacon cheeseburger and not bicker about its weight.

Aroma (2 blades): Good smells can jump at you from the power of the hops or can be subtle as in the sweetness of gentle malt and fruit aromas. A good scent inspires me to bite through the glass and eat its flesh raw.

Taste (2 blades): Of course important, but I'm picky about this mainly because a beer may sometimes start good, but leaves a nasty after taste. I had the unfortunate displeasure of finding a fantastic Oktoberfest with just the right weight, flavor and carbonation, only to find the aftertaste reminding me of dirty water. I like a beer that starts off strong but knows how to follow through.

Palate (2 blades): I encourage you to read up on this, but don't be afraid of it. It's just how the beer feels in your mouth. Sharp, thin, light, thick, buttery, heavy, full... just to give you examples. I like them all, from sharp as knives to thick as a piece of steak.

Overall (2 blades): How did you like it? Not bad eh? Have another! Rating beer is not that bad.

Next: Onto Rating Beer & The Buzz

#2 The Hammer (10 blades)– the Booze -Now we're talking my language – Beer Alcohol Content! It is the gasoline in the chainsaw. At the epicenter of this liquid universe, it is the magic nucleus – a monstrous entity ready to pounce on my soul like a thousand guitar solos in my heart. Not all good buzzes need high alcohol content in beer, and not all high alcohol content of beer give you an enjoyable buzz. The aftermath is when true criterion judgment commences, it must exist in harmony with all other factors.

#3 The Knife (10 blades)– Digestibility - the edge that cuts through the nonsense and gets to the point – it is the portion of the buzz that is thin and sharp, you'll most likely notice it by smelling its vapors rising through the glass and into your consciousness, as well as the sensations of razor blades exiting your flesh through vertical pores like white lasers into the dark of night; a sweet way to rate beer. In contrast, a dull blade is the true mood marauder – a thick, full, bloated greeseball taking you out with a .38 special Smith & Wesson after treating you to a meatball marinara pasta lunch.

#4 The Spider (10 blades) – the lift - the cool, smooth and welcoming rising vibes of a pleasurable rush. The best spiders give you kool-aid smiles from cheek to cheek while in the middle of a conversation. Speed is a factor here, not too fast or slow. Unusual but effective way to rate beer and its buzz.

#5 The Motor (10 blades) –can you handle it? - the ability to continue drinking without compromising your ability to socialize and move around with ease, as opposed to losing your cool and acting like a moron. This is important if you happen to come across a strong hammer with a sharp knife, but end up passing out after two beers. Not to be confused with the ability to drive, the amount of beers I recommend for driving is zero.

and finally,

#6 The Chainsaw! (50 blades) - The Buzz – the high, the mood, the euphoria, the overall sensation. For me, it is the best way to rate beer! A good buzz releases your inhibitions and allows you to forget that the world is a cold, hard and merciless bitch. You'll notice a great chainsaw while rolling with belly laughter, telling jokes that are actually funny, high five-ing your spirit and embracing the essence of life. It went terribly wrong if you start lamenting about your crap job or alimony payments. When this happens, your night is done.

A 100 blade chainsaw would have a winning classic, a strong hammer and a sharp knife, as well as limber spiders running on a strong motor through the dark of night.

I hope you've enjoyed my method of rating beer & the beer buzz. The alcohol content in beer (alcohol content of beer) may be an obvious place to start, but not the most important; just remember that and follow these guidelines if you want to take the the chainsaw approach on how to rate beer.



Ready to Rate Beer & its Buzz? Try an American Ale

... or an American Lager

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