Carlsberg Elephant Beer Malt Liquor
12 Blade Chainsaw
Carlsberg Elephant Beer is a strong European Pilsner type of beer labeled Malt Liquor for the American Market and imported from Copenhagen, Denmark. It is a horrific representation of beer and made with some awful ingredients and capped off with preservatives and sulfites (yummy) for an alcohol content of 7.2% ABV.
The elephant name is inspired by The Elephant Gate which is the entrance to the brewery in Copenhagen. It has engravings of the brewer Carl Jacobsen’s children in each of the four elephants.
Created in 1955, this beer was marketed in several parts of northwestern Africa before the Danish were forced to suffer from their own creation in 1959.
With so many great beers that are high in alcohol, why would anyone still create this garbage? Why is anyone buying this? The real question here may be, why am I drinking this?
Onto The Method
2.5/10 Blades - The Classic
1.0 - Appearance – Strong golden malt appearance with an off white full head and some decent lacing.
0.5 - Aroma – A mixed bag of alcoholic vapors blending in with an awful skunk venom spewing into your face – worse than average pilsner aroma putting even the most lethal American 40 ounce malt liquor labels to shame.
0.5 - Taste – A real awful and disgusting mix of shamelessness and unremorseful assault. Thick oily grains are spread over a greasy malt disposition.
0.5 - Palate – Syrupy and greasy while the grain texture falls apart, releasing foul death with an aspiration to vomit.
0.0 - Overall – This beer is real junk – it reminds me of one of those heroin junkies that snot from their nose, their arms are wasted, their finger nails are filled with grime and they’re always begging for money or some kind of favor. It’s not homeless yet, but it’s on the streets and real dirtbaggish.
3.0/10 Blades - The Hammer – the booze - You would think that with such a high alcohol content, it would at least bring the hammer down hard, but this beer is so dreadful that I couldn’t convince myself to drink enough for the alcohol to take effect.
3.5/10 Blades- The Knife – digestibility - The blades aren’t challenged so much by the volume or weight of the body, but cutting this fluid means spreading preservatives and noxious sulfites into the bloodstream.
1.0/10 Blades - The Spider – the lift - No rush at all, and since I can’t force myself to take in any more of this garbage it doesn’t have the ability to take charge. It gets a 1 simply for making me spin upon every sip – and you sip; you cannot pound this bastard.
2.0/10 Blades - The Motor –can you handle it? - No, I cannot handle this! I’m older these days and experienced enough to know that turning this beer into a splurge would end up in a vomiting frenzy.
0.0/50 Blades - the buzz – While drinking the first bottle of Carlsberg Elephant beer, I got some dizzy spells while taking a few sips. The taste was appalling, but I spent money on it and had a review to write, so I was going to commit myself to at least a few more. After dumping the last few ounces of the first serve into the toilet, I convinced myself to have a fresh second. Half way through the second I continued to feel sickened by this Carlsberg Elephant beer and wound up dumping it again where it belonged, in the toilet!
There are infinitely better beers out there that are at least this high in ABV, if not stronger. This is the kind of stuff I was drinking (binge drinking) as a teen, and it’s no wonder why I got so crazy and sick all the time. And though I can measure the time since I had those beers in decades, I don’t remember them being as bad as Carlsberg Elephant beer.
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